As a matter of fact...

Death always brings life into the right perspective...death is the end of the journey in this world..in this earth...Whatever you've decided to become, whatever you've decided not to change cannot be undone once u cross the finish line. I think it doesn't happen at just after the finish line but at the last few steps before you cross it, you already cannot undo or redo what you did a few steps before those last few steps. Imagine you're lying helpless on the hospital bed or just before you go into comatose condition...still alive..still haven't crossed the finishing line...but still...cannot do anything...can't tell your loved one that they mean so much to you and that you love them. probably you can hear them but being unable to say back 'l love you too' or 'i'm sorry'...

i don't know what i'm trying to get into...a relective mode or trying to be wise?
I wished i could undo some of the things that i had decided to do...i wished i had visited my aunt during Chinese New Year before she passed away...i wish i could've a closer relationship with my relatives..i wish we could've just be a family without having to bicker bout how much you owe me or him or her or how unscrupulous they are...i wish i knew my cousins more and we would be closer than what we are now...the one thing i wished perhaps was that i could be a child again..to be able to play with my cousins with such carefree spirit and having that close family ties with them....i missed those days when i can play video games with my cousins, eat durians together, have dinner together..of course there was probably no depth to the relationship but i feel part of the bigger family...i feel belonged.

Time has passed by quickly and we're now adults...with nothing much in common..and prolly nothing much to say the next time we see each other...not wanting-to-be-here-but-have-to-be kinda vibes that will be sent out or perhaps i just think too much and too negatively...
i wonder how should i feel when i get to the funeral place..one thing i know, i don't feel anything much now...and i wonder if there is something wrong with me...have i become so cold-hearted tha i shield my heart from anything that may hurt it?

God help me..i dun wanna do any rituals or things that are not right before You...i think i may need my heart mended too...so 2 in 1...hehe...